Comic Relief
by articmadador
Summary: Something is always happening at base, so to help prevent the crazier things, NEST is making some rules and documenting some incidents. Just some comic relief from the harder times. (My stories get a little dark, so here's something a little more lighthearted.) Rated T for language
1. Chapter 1

**Yo! articmadador here with a new story! This is my attempt at humor, so just know I'm tryong. I'm funnier in person. Anyway, I DO NOT OWN TRANSFORMERS! Hasbro does. I only own whatever plot material and characters you don't recognize. Please review and enjoy!**

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 **1\. For Primus sake, please stop leaping over the NEST pools. Or rather, please stop failing to do so.**

Claire: We have pools!?

Sideswipe: Temporary pools. They were installed last week.

Ratchet: Sideswipe, if you come in my medbay one more time with busted plating, I'm going to rip it off!

Illusion: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Sideswipe: [Pouting] That's not funny, Illusion. It hurts!

Rhythm: Then maybe you should stop jumping over it in your bipedal mode. Might not split nuthin' then.

 **2\. If Illusion is in the room, don't brag about your kills. Don't even try to stand in the corner and whisper, because she can hear you.**

Rhythm: Jazz was braggin' bout how many Cons he took out while he was chillin' with some bots in tha rec room. It was tickin' Illusion off, since she already ain't fond of killin'. He turned to her and asked how many Cons she took down and—

Jazz: She threw up and optic in muh energon 'n trotted away.

 **3\. Please inform Prowl if you play any instruments. We don't want him glitching when he walks in the room set to complain about the music, only to find a bot playing.**

Claire: Okay, I think this is really cool. Ratchet can play an electric guitar, Sideswipe can play drums, Jazz can play quite a few instruments, and Mirage can play piano! They have this room with all these giant instruments, but when it got constructed Prowl was away in a long mission. When he came back he walked in on Ratchet playing a guitar solo and glitched.

Rhythm: It gets worse. Every time he sees a new bot playing an instrument, he glitches. So please, let 'em know.

 **4\. Illusion, no calling Galloway names.**

Illusion: But Rajey! I got some good ones! Like bald pig spit, or rabid fox dung.

Sideswipe: My favorite is booty-necked bullfrog testicle. Oh, and I like-

Mirage: Don't you dare start repeating them!

 **5\. This goes for everyone afraid of insects. Yes, they are going to appear somewhere in the base on more than one occasion. Please stop losing your minds or processors when you see one.**

Claire: Dear God, this giant cockroach got in the meeting room one day. Everyone was already freaking out because it was so big. Ratchet was going to kill it with a wrench, but before he could finish calculating the distance, it started to fly. Let me make sure you understand this. The. Giant. Cockroach. Started. To. _Fly_!

Illusion: Bruh, I was so scared I literally screamed and jumped in Optimus' lap.

Claire: I don't think it would've been so bad if just about everyone hadn't tried to run out of the room at the same time. They're still fixing the doorway and the hallway outside the room.

Illusion: I also got in trouble for nearly crushing our Prime.

 **6\. If someone says something, do not change the sentence in to random phrases that have nothing to do with the original statement.**

Jolt: This is worded in a confusing manner. Let me demonstrate when this means.

[Stands up and speaks to no one in particular.]

Jolt: You have to do jumping jacks.

Illusion: Apple Jacks!?

Rhythm: Scooby snacks!?

Sideswipe: Cadillacs!?

Skids: Who got cataracts!?

Jazz: Ya saw some rats!?

Rhythm: Ya broke yer back!?

Illusion: Yer favorite color is black!?

Sideswipe: Who got fat!?

Ratchet: Get out! All of you!

 **7\. No making humans laugh so hard that whatever they're drinking comes out of their noses.**

Jazz: [Laughing] Guilty as charged.

 **8\. Predabots, it is understandable when you are excited to see one of your comrades, but that is no excuse to launch yourself into them.**

Prowl: [Sitting on a medical berth while Ratchet repairs his crushed shoulder.] Rhythm, I understand you where excited to see me, but you did not have to launch yourself at my faceplates. I was coming to greet you.

Rhythm: [Whines from the corner of the medbay where she has multiple wrench shaped dents.]

 **9\. If we must play human games like Hide-and-Seek or Cops and Robbers, please take it seriously and remember what you are supposed to do in the game.**

Sideswipe: Yeah, Mirage. Picking up a Cybertronian sized couch cushion and holding it in front of your faceplates is not taking the game seriously.

Mirage: I would take it seriously if I was allowed to use my cloaking.

Sideswipe: That would be cheating.

Jolt: I don't know what you're complaining about, Sideswipe. Every time we play Cops and Robbers and you're the cop, you run like someone is after you.

Sideswipe: I get excited, okay?

Mirage: Why do we play these games, anyway?

Jolt: They relieve stress.

 **10\. Yes, you are allowed to point to a bot when their name or alternate mode is said in a song. Just don't overdo it.**

Mirage: You see that, Illusion? No more yelling Ferrari as loud as you can and slapping me so hard I fall over when you hear the name of my alternate mode in a song.

Illusion: [Laughing] Aight, 'Rajey, I won't do it.

 **11\. No more "Think fast!"**

Claire: Jazz was the first one to do this, then both pairs of twins started doing it. They run up to a bot with some random object and throw it at them yelling: "Think fast!".

Jolt: It doesn't go well. Illusion always gets hit in the faceplates, then chases the bot around base. Rhythm catches and eats whatever is thrown, then has to get her tank pumped. Prowl always glitches, and Ironhide shoots them. Once Sideswipe threw something at Barricade. He caught it and threw it back. Hard. The mech still has a deep dent.

Sideswipe: [Pouting] Everyone thinks it's funny!

 **12\. No, Sunstreaker is not the "Banana King". Or banana pudding. Or cheese. Or anything else yellow.**

Sunstreaker: And stop singing that song to me about putting a banana in my ear, you glitch heads!

Sideswipe: Ooh, I love Charlie the Unicorn!

Sunstreaker: Here, love my fist!

[A wrench flies in and knocks him out before he can swing.]

 **13\. No more of the following annoying songs: Cotton Eye Joe, Little Einsteins Remix, and any song associated with Spongebob Squarepants unless the show is on.**

Ironhide: I will blast you of you play any of those songs again, Jazz. I fraggin' mean it!

Jazz: Someone needs to here the friend song!

Ironhide: [Whips out cannons.]

Jazz: [Runs from the room.]

 **14\. Predabots, no confusing bots by using quotes from music and applying it to bots.**

Illusion: I told Mirage real Gs move in silence like lasagna. It's from a Lil Wayne song.

Rhythm: Prowl was sitting in the room when she said it and glitched. Then his helm got stuck in his cube of energon, so I ate it to get him free. Ratchet still doesn't know.

Ratchet: [Growling] I do, now.

Rhythm: Oops.

 **15\. Quote comedians like Dane Cook and Brian Regan often.**

Jolt: Ironhide got injured during training, and Bumblebee was standing next to him looking scared. Then he said, and I quote: "What we do!? Get some leaves!"

Sideswipe: How about Rhythm quoting Dane Cook on having kids?

Jolt: Yeah, her sparklings Optimus Prime, Megatron, and hhhhhhuuuuuuuullllllllllggggggggggg!

Jazz: [Pokes head in the door] Who's quoting Dane Cook!? I heard a hhhhhhuuuuuullllllllllggggggggg! Don't give them a cookie!

 **16\. No bayverse Transformers movies. They're too painful to watch. Besides, Illusion eats every copy she can find. Don't try to ship them in while she isn't there, because then Rhythm will eat them.**

Miles: I paid too much money to have those movies sent in for them to eat them as soon as they arrived. They ate everything…case and all.

 **17\. No firing weapons at Galloway behind his back, even if they are not loaded.**

Epps: [Shrugs] What can I say? I hate the guy, but I was just doing it for fun.

 **18\. No being extra. That means no acting like someone threw you across a room when they barely nudged you, Sideswipe and Illusion!**

Sideswipe: Hey! Arcee nudges harder than you think!

Elita: Good thing she was in a good mood that day, or you would've found out that her punches are even harder.

 **19\. Illusion, no licking bots in the mouth.**

Mirage: She's been doing it for a while now. She got me, both pairs of twins, Ratchet, Jolt, Jazz, though he kind of lets her do it, Elita, Chromia, and even Ironhide.

Illusion: None of them complained enough for ya ta put this rule up!

Mirage: You might have gotten away with it if you hadn't done it to Optimus.

Illusion: Ah was tryna get him to relieve some stress.

Mirage: By licking his glossa?

Illusion: Hey, it might've helped.

Mirage: I doubt it.

 **20\. Predabots, no climbing trees! Or anything else for that matter!**

Rhythm: Ah was just trying ta climb Bumblebee! He should've stood straight instead off fallin' over!

Prowl: You are more than twice Bumblebee's weight. It is unlikely that—

Rhythm: Ya calling me fat!?

 **21\. No ehf wkrhvbeirjf rf dancing rofv on rhtd sssmf the keyboard rfi wirnvrjvr seivfhtml while eofmrfh an Autobotakdrn isf trying ddeekdnrvto typex. This goescvfr for allfcvc humans!**

Ratchet: [Snatches a human off the keyboard and flings him onto the catwalk beside him.] Now go away!

 **22\. Please stop destroying the toasters in the rec room.**

Claire: The toasters scare everybody, especially the bots for some reason. They usually react by attacking it. The Predabots eat them, while most of the other Autobots just shoot them or stomp on them.

Lennox: [Walks in the room with two slices of bread.] God dammit! Who destroyed the toaster this time!?

Claire: [Laughs to herself and whispers] It was Ratchet.

 **23\. Illusion doesn't like wax. She uses her own oral lubricant to wax her armor, as gross as it is.**

Illusion: It feels awful on me, and I don't like tha smell or taste of freshly applied wax! Rhythm eats it out of the can, but I can't stand it. My oral lubricant works just fine! Sunstreaker even lets me lick him so his armor will shine.

Sunstreaker: Only when I'm low on supplies. It seems like that only happens when you or Rhythm come into our room. [Eyes Illusion suspiciously.]

Illusion: [Laughs nervously]

Sunstreaker: [Rolls his optics.] Get back to licking, and don't scratch my paint!

Illusion: Aye, aye, Cap'n Sunshine!

 **24\. Illusion, stop eating Galloway's car.**

Claire: Whenever Galloway comes for a meeting and has to stay overnight, he has a car sent to him that he can ride around in. Illusion enjoys eating them. She's eating it right now, and the man is still in the car.

Mirage: [Pulls Illusion back as hard as he can while she devours the top of the car.] Let go, Illusion! Stop it! Ratchet will pump your tanks again!

Sideswipe and Sunstreaker: [Laughing at the scene before them while drinking high grade energon.]

 **25\. Rhythm, you are not a ballerina.**

Rhythm: Y'all just mad cuz y'all can't dance like me!

[Rhythm starts ungracefully twirling and leaping, then crashes into a wall and tears it down.]

Ratchet: Rhythm, if you were dancing again and knocked another wall down, I'm welding you to the floor!

 **26\. Mirage, don't try to command Illusion by saying you're her master and she must do what you say.**

Mirage: I tried it once and she picked me up and dragged me around the base while running at a full gallop. All the paint on my back was gone, not to mention my doorwings were damaged. Then she sat on me for two hours and chewed on my legs.

Illusion: And ya cried like a lil bitch till ah got up.

 **27\. If Galloway throws a tantrum, just let him rant and ignore him.**

Lennox: It's actually quite funny to watch.

Epps: It was especially funny that time he came at Ironhide, and the bot yelled: "Don't come near me, you freak!"

Lennox: The best part was when Galloway flailed his arms at Ironhide then ran the other way.

 **28\. Bumblebee, no playing screaming through your radio when you are being dragged to the brig or medbay.**

Bumblebee: [Crosses his arms and whirrs.]

Rhythm: [Wraps a wing around him.] At least ya made everybody laugh.

 **29\. Going stiff when Ratchet finds you hiding from him does not work.**

Jazz: Ah tried it, and he hit me with a wrench so hard ah was goin' into stasis. Ah was blackin' out, and he started draggin' me away and said : "Nice hiding place. Right in plain sight. My eyesight isn't based on movement, you idiot."

 **30\. Quote Adult Swim shows often.**

Sideswipe: Illusion is always quoting Squidbillies. I prefer Robot Chicken.

Illusion: [Sniffs a recharging Jolt.] 'Nother soda, Granny!?

Rhythm: [Flings a soda at his helm, and he jumps up and falls onto his faceplates.]

 **31\. Worms creep most of the bots out. Only Illusion, Jazz, Ratchet, and Ironhide can stand them.**

Rhythm: Ah will never forget seein' Optimus Prime haulin' aft when Claire tried to show him a worm.

 **32\. No pranking the Predabots. They lick off any paint, eat any stickers, confetti, and anything else you dump on them. Then they try to eat whoever pranked them. They will torture you!**

Sunstreaker: Sides and I learned the hard way. The only good thing that came out of it was that I found out Illusion's oral lubricant is a natural wax.

Sideswipe: I will never forget how loud you shrieked when Illusion licked your faceplates, Sunny.

Sunstreaker: Shut up. And don't call me Sunny!

 **33\. Don't make fun of Ratchet because he is one of the older Autobots, is cranky, throws things, or because of his color scheme. At least don't do so if you're being nasty and not joking. Illusion will attack you, and he will allow it.**

Sideswipe: Galloway nearly died multiple times doing this. Plus Illusion made one new recruit piss their pants and sign up for a transfer. A lot of the other recruits are still afraid of her. She practically destroyed the training room just because that recruit said Ratchet looked like a giant booger. They had the training session of a lifetime, mostly because their lives could've ended.

Ironhide: I was very proud.

Sideswipe: Of the recruits?

Ironhide: No, of Illusion. She has some good techniques. The kid's got potential.

Sideswipe: She almost ate someone...

 **34\. No yelling timber when Prowl glitches or falls over.**

Illusion: Aw, but it's funny!

Ratchet: Just catch him! Everyone at base is starting to yell it and let the poor mech fall.

[Somewhere down the hall, multiple voices can be heard yelling timber, and there is a loud clang]

Ratchet: Great, now the humans are doing it. Go get him and bring him here, Illusion.

Illusion: M'kay! [Runs off]

 **35\. Rhythm and Illusion are Predabots, not Predacons.**

Rhythm: And don't forget it, heifas!

 **36\. Brains and Wheelie are not allowed on NEST planes unless they are coming on a mission. The pilots are afraid of you.**

Brains: Not our faults they punks!

Wheelie: Yeah, they need ta mech up!

 **37\. Wheeljack, stop trying to invent armor suits for the humans.**

Epps: He was trying to convince me to put one on, and he hit something. It exploded in his servo. Then Illusion and Rhythm ate the pieces. I mean they were fighting over it like they hadn't eaten for days.

 **38\. Jazz, stop blasting your fragging music so early in the morning.**

Ratchet: Just because you don't have the sense to recharge at night doesn't mean we don't either.

Rhythm: Yeah, so shut up.

Ratchet: And don't you start. I catch you dancing with him every time.

 **39\. Mirage, just because you don't want to meet someone doesn't mean you can go invisible and hide. And stop temping Illusion to camouflage herself so no one gets suspicious of your absence.**

Mirage: Then should I just leave the base?

Ratchet: Watch it, mech.

 **40\. Twins, enough with the paint bombs.**

Sideswipe: Hey, those things are funny!

Sunstreaker: Yeah, they never get old. The bigger the bomb, the better. Just wait till you see the one we just fixed up!

Illusion: Ya think they'd learn from messin' with us tha first time, eh?

Rhythm: Right.

 **41\. Skids, Mudflap, stop wrestling in the middle of the night. Also, stop wrestling during meetings. And don't wrestle during—you know what, just tone down the wrestling.**

Rhythm: Except when ya wrestle wit Illusion and me. Now that's good fun.

 **42\. Claire, you do not need to take constant pictures of the bots. The government is going to confiscate your phone if you keep doing so.**

Claire: I'm making a scrapbook! You guys just don't like pictures!

 **43\. If you are excited about something, please don't react in a way that may be hazardous to your health, or the health of others.**

Claire: This might be up because of me. Jolt was telling me about some new additions we were getting to the pools, and I got so excited that I shoved a whole slice of chocolate cake in my mouth. I started choking on it, and it took eight minutes for me to stop choking up crumbs. Jolt was freaking out, but some of my soldier friends found it funny. I almost died!

 **44\. Please avoid loud, obnoxious laughter at poor humor.**

Ratchet: This is directed towards you, Illusion. Galloway's jokes were terrible, and you were encouraging him.

Illusion: But he was in a good mood! Besides, I think that made his day.

Sideswipe: But he's an ass.

Illusion: Even asses have their days.

 **45\. Predabots, no carrying humans around in your mouth.**

Epps: It's gross and scary. This big Decepticon got the drop on me in our last battle, and Rhythm swooped in and snatched me up at the last minute, and carried me away in her mouth. When she spit me out, I was covered in purple spit. Then Illusion had to pick me up and carry me to the plane when minicons attacked us. I had to suffer a sticky ride back to base, smelling like dirt, sweat, and motor oil. Never before have I scrubbed myself so hard in the shower.

Illusion: Too bad, though. Humans taste like salty candy.

Rhythm: Tha hell is a salty candy? You know what, don't even explain. Just don't say nuthin.

 **46\. Predabots, stop licking Optimus' pedes.**

Jolt: They come up to him at random times of the day and do this for no reason.

Illusion: It's a respect thing. I mean, he's a hard workin' Prime. Hard workin' humans like foot massages. Maybe he'd like a pede massage.

Jolt: I don't know how much massaging you can do with your—[Is cut off when Illusion licks him.] Eww, you got my glossa! Why do you do that!? Why must you be like this!?

Rhythm: Cuz she's crazy.

Mirage: Illusion, you were told to stop doing th—

Illusion: [Licks him then runs away.]

Mirage: [Laying on the floor with oral lubricant on his face.] Why is she like this?

Jolt: That's what I want to know.

 **47\. Sunstreaker, when you run out of canvases and we can't get a new shipment in for a while, that is no excuse to use the walls or other bots.**

Prowl: He painted all the walls in the west wing of the building. He wouldn't stop, not even when we put him in the brig. He painted the brig walls as well.

Rhythm: [Comes bouncing in painted like a starry night.] Look Prowl, I'm the sky! Sunstreaker painted me! Oh, he as wants to know what ya think of yer office once ya get a look at it. He worked real hard on it and it looks nice! Does this planet make my neck look fat?

Prowl: [Glitches and falls over.]

Ironhide: [Standing in the corner laughing.] Timber!

Ratchet: Damn it, Ironhide!

 **48\. Chromia, we understand that the flamethrower Ironhide constructed for you is your pride and joy, but please stop using it indoors.**

Chromia: I only melted one wall.

Rhythm: And four catwalks, two military trucks, and a drone.

 **49\. Predabots, no stealing Ratchet's tools and eating them. Also, don't break into the medbay at night and eat the equipment. And stop smuggling them tools and equipment to eat, Skids and Mudflap!**

Skids: Predabots gotta eat too.

Mudflap: Yeah, 'n they give us rides fer it, too!

 **50\. No making Slip and Slides indoors. This goes for both humans and Autobots.**

Sideswipe: Optimus, Lennox, and most of the older bots were gone on a mission, leaving us at base. Everyone was bored, so Sunny and I poured as many bottles of wax on the floor of the main room as we could find. We were laughing at the bots and humans that kept coming in and falling.

Sunstreaker: Then Claire said it was like a Slip and Slide, and explained to us how that worked.

Sideswipe: Thirty minutes later, everyone was sliding around, crashing into things and each other.

Sunstreaker: It was fun until the other bots came back, and Bumblebee and Jazz slid right into Ratchet. Then they knocked Optimus over.

Sideswipe: All Ratchet had to do was growl and everyone tried to clear the room, but one could get up because of the wax. You can imagine how terrified we were to be stuck with a raging Ratchet in a situation like that.

Sunstreaker: Come on, Sides. It's our shift to clean the floor.

Sideswipe: Slag. More hopeless scrubbing of wax.

 **Bonus!: Illusion, stop using acid on walls when you are too lazy to go to the door.**

Illusion: Hey, that acid builds up! Ah got get rid of it somehow!

Wheeljack: [Looks up from where he is sitting in the corner, then whips out a datapad and starts making plans.]

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 **I hope that made you laugh, cuz I laughed a little while coming up with ideas and writing them. Anyway, have a good'n!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Yo! articmadador here with another chapter. I DO NOT OWN TRANSFORMERS! Hasbro does. I only own whatever plot material and characters you don't recognize. Please review and enjoy!**

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 **51\. Karaoke in the morning at outrageous hours is a big no-no. Unless you want most of the soldiers at NEST to try to shoot your head off, or the Autobots to try to stomp you.**

Lennox: I know that because we are in the military we have to be ready to get up and any hour of the day or night for a mission. However, if it's not for a mission, do not wake us up. We will kill you. Simple as that.

 **52\. No Sideswipe, you can not swing on the chandelier, nor can you come in like a wrecking ball.**

Illusion: We were fighting a battle in a construction yard, 'n low and behold, tha silver twin comes swingin' on this huge wreckin' ball singin' _Chandelier_ by Sia. Then he comes back for round two blaring _Wrecking Ball_ by Miley Cyrus from his radio. The chain holdin' tha wrecking ball snapped, and he fell right on Starscream. Luckily I saved his aft before he got too damaged.

Rhythm: It was funny, though. Jazz recorded it.

Illusion: He did!? Ah gotta watch it!

 **53\. Only Illusion can call Sunstreaker "Cap'n Sunshine", and only she can call Mirage "'Rajey".**

Illusion: Well, Sideswipe can call Sunny that too. He did try to call Mirage 'Rajey once. Ah didn't know Mirage could punch that hard.

Sideswipe: And it fragging hurt!

 **54\. Rhythm, when you are getting dragged to the medbay or brig, no yelling rape.**

Claire: The first time Rhythm started doing this was when she had helped the Twins pull a prank on Prowl, and when she got caught Illusion had to drag her to the brig. She started yelling "rape!" really loudly for no reason, and all the other Autobots came rushing in with their weapons ready thinking something was wrong.

 **55\. Do not mess with Barricade. He may be currently sitting in the brig, but he can break out if he really wants to.**

Prowl: This is unfortunately true. Barricade could escape our brig, but right now he is choosing to stay put. However, he will not hesitate to free himself should anyone pester him.

Sideswipe: I learned the hard way.

[Ratchet grumbles as he begins to reattach Sideswipe's right arm.]

 **56\. No fireworks unless it is a holiday and everyone has been notified beforehand.**

Claire: A few soldiers thought this was a good idea. While they were lighting up the desert a few miles away, everyone was running around base, grabbing weapons, crying about the apocalypse, and screaming like little girls. Turns out the soldiers were using some fireworks Wheeljack had just made, and those fireworks had all kinds of colors with loud, big explosions. They're lucky they didn't explode on them.

Rhythm: They exploded tha sky, I'll tell ya that! All them colors and lights! Ah thought it was over!

Jolt: You thought what was over? Life? The world?

Rhythm: No, the quiet time so I could watch Pokémon! Whatcha think!?

 **57\. Predabots, stop eating dead Decepticons.**

Optimus: [Looks down from the keyboard to look at Illusion as she licks his pedes.]

Illusion: [Looks up.] Oh…I forgot tha rule. Sorry.

Rhythm: [Reads new rule, then runs away wailing.]

Illusion: [Reads the rule, then begins to roll around on the floor, whining and crying.]

Ratchet: [Walks in.] Let me guess. They saw the new rule?

Optimus: [Nods.] Indeed. They will not go against my word.

 **58\. No singing** _ **Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows**_ **when Sunstreaker walks in the room.**

Sideswipe: Jazz did it and got decked in the faceplates.

 **59\. "Curl** **up in a ball and kiss your ass goodbye" is not an appropriate or acceptable answer when asked what to do in a certain scenario.**

Claire: You'll he surprised of how often this is said, and who it is said by. It's one of Ratchet and Ironhide's favorite things to say.

 **60\. Predabots, doorwings are sensitive. Please stop chewing on them.**

Mirage: Illusion started chewing on my doorwings shortly after Rhythm arrived at base. She's been doing it ever since, and Rhythm does it as well. They claim they forget they aren't supposed to do it.

Bumblebee: [Screaming frantically through his radio and with his normal voice.]

Rhythm: [Nonchalantly chewing his doorwings.]

Mirage: Rhythm, stop that!

Rhythm: [Hisses at him, then runs away.]

 **61\. No teaching the bots inappropriate human dances.**

Jolt: Prowl walked in on Sideswipe learning to do what humans call twerking, and he glitched.

Rhythm: Ya know, we should get Prowl ta twerk! He's got tha hips fer it!

Jolt: Primus, help us!

 **62\. Illusion, stop making new curses from Cybertronian curses.**

Illusion: But ah make such good contribution to everyone's vocab!

[Something crashes down the hall.]

Arcee: Slaggery to the fourth power!

Illusion: [Vents in contentment] That's one of muh favorites. Ah taught 'er well, ya know?

 **63\. Stop teaching the bots stupid things that only middle school kids would do.**

Jolt: Every time Sideswipe gets in an argument with Sunstreaker, he pulls the nearest bot in front of him and yells over their shoulder "You lucky they holding me back!"

Ratchet: I'm going to kill whoever taught Jazz to teabag someone. It's disgusting…running up to mechs and random times of the day, thrusting his paneling in their faceplates and yelling "Teabag Tuesday!". Today isn't even Tuesday! And dag frag it, if—

[Is cut off as Jazz runs in and teabags him before transforming and rolling away.]

 **64\. We are not in the circus. Stop trying to do tricks you saw off the internet, Jazz.**

Illusion: Crazy ass Jazz…

Sideswipe: He was trying to get the Predabots to jump through hoops, then he tried to tame Ironhide with a Cybertronian sized chair and a whip. He then tried to ride with one pede on Illusion and one on Rhythm while juggling Wheelie and Brains. He was doing good until Ironhide came back for revenge and knocked him out.

 **65\. When confined base as punishment, you are allowed to play Cowboys outside the base, Twins, if only to keep you out of more trouble.**

Chromia: Just stop calling us femmes little gals.

Elita: I think it's cute. They ride around on the Predabots outside and try to round up the little drones Wheeljack makes for them. They call it drone hustlin'.

 **66\. Rhythm, stop going hunting for Bigfoot in the desert.**

Rhythm: He's out there, man!

Claire: He doesn't even live in deserts.

Rhythm: How do you know!? Have ya seen him!? He's real, ain't he!?

 **67\. Stop greeting everyone by saying "Hey, what's up, hello!"**

Ratchet: If I hear that one more time, I'm going to shove a wrench down the bot's intake.

Wheelie: [Sitting on his shoulder] What if a human says it?

Ratchet: I have human-sized wrenches as well.

 **68\. Autobots, stop trying to walk on a trail of fire. And stop setting hot coals on the floor to do so.**

Jolt: Bumblebee's idea. Can you believe that? He was watching some human romance movie where a human male walked on hot coals to impress his love interest. He thought it was cool, and the next day, the floor of the hallway was covered in hot coals.

Sunstreaker: I was doing good until Prowl came in. I was almost across.

Chromia: Your wheel pedes were smoking, and you were not even half way across.

Sunstreaker: [Growls] Okay, maybe I wasn't doing _that_ good. I was worried about Sideswipe. He was screaming very loudly.

Arcee: No, you were screaming. He was laughing because of that.

Sunstreaker: I don't remember that.

Arcee: Probably because Ironhide tackled you and put out the fire growing on your wheel pedes. He knocked you out in the process because you were screaming so loud.

 **69\. Predabots, stop calling Optimus "Godfather". He is not a mob boss.**

Claire: They started this a short while ago. Optimus was telling the bots that they needed to go on a mission in Belize, and when he gave the Predabots orders, they replied: "Yes, Godfather", then left. They kept saying it every time he gave them an order, and I guess when the Twins started doing it that was the last straw.

Illusion: [Pouting] I wish he was a mob boss, though. That would be so cool.

 **70\. If Galloway is being such an ass that Optimus is pissed, Illusion is allowed to argue with him for a short period of time.**

Sideswipe: Their arguments make us laugh. She gets him good sometimes.

Bumblebee: [Using real voice] Hey, remember when Galloway called himself a genius?

Sideswipe: Ha! Illusion told him he was dumb as owl shit. How about when he was yelling at Optimus, and she told him: "Bitch, I know you better transform and roll tha fuck outta his face!"

Bumblebee: [Laughing] He said he didn't transform. She said [Plays clip] "Yes you do! Ya transform into a ass-mobile!"

Sideswipe: Remember when she told Galloway to shut his ass!

Bumblebee: [Mimicking Galloway] You mean my face, you dumb metal lizard!?

Sideswipe: [Mimicking Illusion] That's yo face!? Damn, it look like a booty-crack!

 **71\. Ironhide, do not give Claire anymore grenades and claim that they are bath bombs.**

Claire: How could you!? I could've died!

Ironhide: In my defense, I thought you wanted to blow up your bathroom.

Claire: Why would I do that!?

Ironhide: You said you needed a bath bomb. On Cybertron we didn't have any small packages of chemicals with an added fragrances that dissolve in water, so of course I didn't know that was what you meant!

Ratchet: We didn't even have water. And we didn't take baths, we always took showers.

Claire: Whatever. Just don't get bath bombs from Ironhide.

 **72\. Don't have staring contests with the Autobots. They don't need to blink, it's just a habit that they picked up from us.**

Ratchet: It's pitiful that we had to make this a rule because the humans keep forgetting. Why they have staring contests is beyond me. [Looks at Illusion in the corner.] Stop that, Illusion.

Illusion: [Stares intently at him.] This could go on fer days, Ratchey. Think of the possibilities.

Ratchet: What possibilities?

Illusion: I don't know. I'm just tryna sound smart.

 **73\. Ironhide, no wrestling with the Predabots in the hallway. You guys might kill someone.**

Rhythm: [Laughing] We almost did.

Soldier: Yeah, thanks for that terrifying experience, Rhythm!

Rhythm: I told ya to watch out, Bruce!

Soldier: Hard to do with all three of you about to roll me out as flat as pizza dough!

Rhythm: [Laughing] I love that guy.

 **74\. Illusion and Sideswipe, stop howling at the moon. Also, stop crowing in the morning like roosters.**

Sideswipe: Prowl, why are you making that a rule!? Can't we have just a little fun!?

Prowl: Not at three in the morning. You should be recharging.

Illusion: Recharge is fer sissies!

Prowl: Optimus recharges.

Illusion: He's different! He's a workin' mech! He needs his beauty rest.

Prowl: So do you two. [Checks clock.] Shouldn't you two be recharging now?

Illusion: Aww, Just five more—

[Ratchet growls from outside of the room.]

Illusion and Sideswipe: G'night Prowl! [Frantically runs out of the room.]

 **75\. Jazz, you are not MacGyver.**

Jazz: [Crosses his arms and pouts.] Ah am too.

Ratchet: You tried to break in into the base with a giant paper clip and a ball of yarn. What did you think you were going to do?

Jazz: [Does a stance and looks into the distance.] Save tha world 'n look sexy doin' it.

Ratchet: [Growls and leaves the room.] I need a vacation.

 **76\. No more singing random songs while the humans dance around in their underwear.**

Ratchet: [Yelling at the Predabots.] What possessed you to do that at four in the morning, by the way!? Singing songs about green beans, bread, and cough drops for no reason!

Rhythm: Possessed!? Who's possessed!

Illusion: Is it Galloway!?

Rhythm: Girl, he was a demon all along.

Illusion: I knew it! [Runs down the hall to where Galloway is annoying people.] Tha power of Christ compels ya!

 **77\. Take the bots to Shakespeare in the park. And read them Shakespeare often. And let them watch—you know what, just know they love Shakespeare.**

Prowl: There was a mech on Cybertron who produced work like the human. It was very popular despite the mech writing vorns before most of us were even sparked. The human's work is a lot like his. It brings back memories.

Lennox: Prowl, come on! The play starts at eight!

 **78\. Ironhide does not like animals. Please keep all pets and wildlife away from him.**

Claire: I doesn't matter how cute or cool the animal is. He doesn't like it. I found a stray kitten while we were at a temporary base in Pittsburgh, and he threatened to blow it into oblivion. It was only trying to cuddle with him!

Ironhide: Then it lubricated on me.

Claire: I'm sure it was an accident.

Ironhide: [Rolls his optics.] Oh really?

 **79\. Sunstreaker, you are not allowed to take your harmonica to the brig and play the blues.**

Jolt: He's just started learning to play, so he's not very good.

Rhythm: Yeah, 'n it hurts my audios!

 **80\. Wheeljack, make sure you have checked the programming and have full control over any drones that you make.**

Sideswipe: Sunny and I were drone hustlin' when the drones went haywire and overran the base. Turns out they had glitches in their programming, and Wheeljack wasn't able to control them. That left it to me and Sunshine to save the day.

Sunstreaker: Then I had to save your aft after you rode Rhythm into a wall.

Sideswipe: There were a lot of drones! I couldn't see!

 **81\. Humans, please try to control your natural bodily functions and be a little more respectful.**

Arcee: Epps, you better pay close attention to this! No more farting on my alternate mode!

Epps: It was an accident! That minicon jumped on my back and it kinda came out…

 **82\. wins, no more glitter bombs!**

Illusion: Dear God, no more of them things, please!

Sideswipe: Don't worry, Illusion. We're done with them too.

Sunstreaker: That stuff got in my gears!

Mirage: It got in my energon.

Ratchet: It got in my medical equipment.

Jazz: It got in my stereo!

Miles: It got in my underwear!

[Everyone stops and stares at Miles.]

Miles: What? Glitter gets everywhere.

 **83\. No pranks with peanut butter.**

Ratchet: [Covered from helm to pede in peanut butter.] I don't think an explanation is needed.

Bumblebee: [In the corner trying to scrap peanut butter off while a peanut butter covered Illusion tries to lick it off.]

[Prowl comes through taking the twins to the brig.]

Sideswipe: At least let us wash it off, Prowl! This is torture!

Sunstreaker: Please! We made sure the humans with allergies weren't nearby! Give us credit for that! Prowl, I'm going to die!

Prowl: I think we all are.

[Soldiers walk by covered in peanut butter, some cussing out the twins, and others crying because they hate peanut butter so much.]

 **84\. No spinning around then trying to run in a straight line. This goes for both humans and Autobots.**

Illusion: Sideswipe almost killed four people, Ironhide, and broke down two walls.

Ratchet: Then he purged on my chassis.

Illusion: Then I ate it.

Ratchet: And it was disgusting.

 **85\. No hiding junk food from Ratchet. Not only will he figure out that you have it, but you will most likely be so terrified that he will find out that you will have a panic attack and tell him.**

Ratchet: That is a good rule, Epps.

Epps: I have four bags of Cheetos and a box of Fruit Loops hidden under my bed, I'll bring them to you! I didn't eat any, I swear! I had a honey bun but I threw it away, see I did do something good! I'm just gonna go get that stuff for ya, so goodbye, Ratchet, I'll be right back! [Runs frantically down the hall.]

 **86\. Any movie with inanimate objects coming to life is banned.**

Claire: This especially means movies where cars or dolls come to life. Chuckle really scares the bots. They're so terrified of him that they all react negatively to the word doll.

Jolt: [Looks up from the datapad he's reading and screams. He frantically looks around, then after a while he continues reading.]

Jazz: [Leaps on top of Illusion]

Illusion: [Screams and flies away.]

Chromia: [Trips over her own pedes, then transforms and rushes out of the room.]

Bumblebee: [Curls up in a ball and tries to hide.]

Prowl: [Squeaks then glitches.]

Claire: See what I mean?

 **87\. Dolls are banned. Do not bring one to base.**

Lennox: [Glaring at Ironhide.] Annabelle's aunt bought her one, and she brought it to Ironhide for him to see. As soon as she stepped out of the room, it disappeared and there was a smoking scorch mark in its place.

Claire: I found the cutest doll someone had left on a bus in the city and I brought it to base. After the bots all screamed about it, Optimus stomped it.

Lennox: Optimus did that?

Claire: The doll had a chip in it, so it could talk. I think he thought it was possessed. It got worse when it kept talking in a weird voice because the chip was still intact. Everyone started shooting it all at once.

Lennox: Is that why the corner of the rec room was so messed up!? They said Illusion and Rhythm got too carried away with their wrestling!

 **88\. Wheeljack, no more messing with any electronic wiring that it connected to a structure on the base. You already blew up the NEST pools, so try not to blow up anything else.**

Lennox: Everyone give Wheeljack some applause for blowing up the pools after we only had them for two months.

[Everyone glares at Wheeljack while giving him applause. He holds his head down, but winks at Arcee in the corner as she leaves with a big gun and some blueprints.]

 **89\. No bringing animals back from missions just because you think they're cool.**

Ratchet: Rhythm thought it would be a good idea to bring cassowaries to base. Eleven humans were injured and one of the cassowaries went missing in the desert. She claims his name was Toothpick and she's been crying about this for two hours.

Sideswipe: Toothpick is a terrible name.

Illusion: Says the bot who brought Sandra tha black panther to base.

Sideswipe: At least we were able to take her back to her home! I think she really liked me! The cassowaries hated everybody.

Illusion: Yeah. Ya know one of 'em laid an egg and it got in Ironhide's ener—oh, I don't think Toothpick died in the desert.

Sideswipe: Ironhide?

Illusion: [Nods] Ironhide.

 **90\. No singing songs in the middle of meetings. Especially not annoying songs.**

Ratchet: We're in the middle of a meeting and the Twins and Predabots have started singing the most annoying song I've ever heard. I would throw a wrench at them, but the Predabots will only eat them. Oh, if only they would stop singing this song!

Illusion: Ratchet! Don't you know about the bird, well Illusion's gonna tell you about tha bird! Bird! Bird! B-

Ratchet: Shut up!

Sunstreaker: Get with it, Ratchet!

Sideswipe: Yeah, the bird is the word!

Rhythm: Never mind that! Ya know what time it is!?

All of them: It's peanut butter jelly time!

 **91\. Please try to keep the NEST couches as clean as possible. This goes for both humans couches and Cybertronian sized couches.**

Claire: There are some disgusting things in the human couches. Hairballs, old gum, and partially eaten food are some of the things. Once I pulled out a butter wrapper still dripping with butter. Someone had left half of the stick on the couch, and it got stuck in between the cushions. We had to order new cushions after that.

Sideswipe: I guess that is more gross than what we find in our couches. Half eaten tires, and little purge here and there, and some solidified energon.

Claire: Half eaten tires?

Sideswipe: Illusion and Rhythm stash them everywhere.

Claire: What's purge?

Sideswipe: Throw up.

Claire: Eww!

Sideswipe: It's weird that we keep finding it. Usually the Predabots get to it—

Claire: [Covering her ears] No more! No more!

 **92\. Illusion, having a nightmare doesn't mean you can squeeze into Mirage's berth for the night.**

Illusion: But ah'll be scared!

Mirage: And I'll be tired. You take up the entire berth! I can't recharge!

Illusion: Just lay on muh back.

Mirage: I do. You always roll over in your recharge. No more recharging in my berth.

Illusion: Fraggit!

 **93\. You can call the Autobots bots, but don't call them machines.**

Jolt: Illusion will try to eat your face off. We will allow it.

 **94\. he bots are not allowed to watch scary movies at night.**

Sideswipe: It makes it easier for us to have nightmares.

Sunstreaker: You'd think after all the slag we've been through that we'd be able to handle it.

Sideswipe: We aren't.

 **95\. Humans, please dispose of your trash properly. If you don't, more and more animals will start to get into base.**

Jolt: Please read this, Claire. You leave too many—Oh Primus, that's a giant lizard!

Rhythm: [Looks up from where she's eating part of the wall.] Who you callin' a lizard!?

[A large lizard runs across her pedes and she screams and flies away.]

 **96\. Sorry, Illusion, but you cannot river dance with four legs. Please stop trying.**

Illusion: [Sniffles] Well fine then…

Jazz: Don't be sad, Illusion. Ya did well enough.

Illusion: Aw thanks, Jazzy.

 **97\. Prowl, don't forget that Thursday nights are band nights. There will be concerts held outside unless the weather is bad. Then they will be inside.**

Rhythm: He glitched again 'n landed faceplates first in tha sand. Ah carried him inside. Ratchet got 'em back together just in time so Prowl could watch that end of tha concert. He enjoyed it.

Illusion: He said he might learned ta play somethin'.

 **98\. Uno is banned.**

Claire: Once we start, we can't stop playing. We play for hours, and it gets competitive. We are allowed to play for one last day, and as you can tell, there's a reason why it's banned.

Illusion: [Leaning across the table yelling at Sideswipe.] You cheatin' sum buck! Ya dumpin' cards under tha table!

Mirage: Stop looking at my fragging cards, Ratchet!

Ratchet: Shut up before I disassemble you!

Ironhide: Your go, Prime.

Optimus: I am making my decision. Be patient.

Epps: Yeah, shut up, Ironhide! Let the mech pick!

Soldier: Skids is cheating!

Skids: Am not!

Arcee: Who's card is on the floor!? Is it Jazz's!? I bet it's Jazz's!

Optimus: There. Draw four, Ironhide. The color is blue.

Ironhide: Fraggit!

Rhythm: Hurry up!

Mudflap: Stop cheatin'

Bumblebee: It's my turn! My turn!

Jolt: No it's mine!

Jazz: Shut up! Ah'm tryna draw!

Chromia: You shut up!

Illusion: Ha! Skipped yo ass!

Sunstreaker: That's what you get!

Lennox: Shut up!

Sideswipe: Don't tell him to shut up!

Jazz: Don't tell him not to tell him to shut up!

Rhythm: And don't you tell him not ta tell him not ta tell him—

Mirage: Ratchet, I swear to Primus, if you—

Claire: You guys skipped me!

Ironhide: Don't look at me like that—

Rhythm: You little rat! Ah need red ta win!

Soldier: Uno!

[Multiple screams and insults fill the room as everyone starts freaking out and fighting.]

 **99\. Playing any Transformers theme song when the bots come into base after a successful mission is encouraged.**

Claire: It makes them feel good. They look so heroic, too!

 **100\. Predabots, so long as he is not busy and allows it, you can give Optimus hugs when you feel he needs it.**

Illusion: He needs hugs too, ya know.

Rhythm: And his hugs really are tha best.

Illusion: Come on, let's go hug him!

[They both run off to find Optimus.]

* * *

 **Hope that made you laugh. Anyways, gotta go! Hopefully I can get another chapter out soon. Have a good'n!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Yo! articmadador here with another chapter of funnies. This one only goes to 131 instead of 150. Sorry, I'll try to make the next chapter longer. I DO NOT OWN TRANSFORMERS! Hasbro does. I only own whatever plot material and characters you don't recognize. Please review and enjoy!**

* * *

 **101\. No more asking us Cybertronians to say bad things in our language. Also, Twins, stop saying what they want, then repeating it all day.**

Ratchet: Humans want the stupidest slag translated. Some human words don't really exist in our language. I don't see why they ask for us to translate. It's not like they can say the words.

 **102\. Humans, if you're cooking something, please remember that you are cooking and don't let the food burn. That way the remodeled rec room won't catch on fire too.**

Illusion: Hehe.

Rhythm: A soldier burnt some popcorn.

Illusion: He pulled the bag out 'n it was on fire.

Rhythm: Tha fire spread quickly. The entire rec room was on fire in less than a minute.

Illusion: Then we danced in front of the flames while singin' songs 'bout wet grass and moldy cheese.

Rhythm: 'N Ratchet came in and beat us in the helm before runnin' us outside.

Illusion: It was wonderful.

 **103\. Sideswipe, stop making memes during meetings.**

Sideswipe: [Leans back against Rhythm.] These dank memes ain't gonna make themselves.

 **104\. Ratchet, when the humans have cookouts, you can not blow up or stomp the grill because they are eating hotdogs. Sometimes you have to let the humans do their thing.**

Ratchet: Oh, of course. Let me just override all of my medical software and allow them to kill themselves faster. Do you know what is in hotdogs!? Do you think they know what they are doing to themselves!? For Primus sake, if they'd just listen—[Begins to rant about how bad hotdogs and other foods are for humans.]

 **105\. To all of Claire's friends: Stop going in her room to take a dump.**

Claire: It's fragging disgusting!

Illusion: Aw, look who's using Cybertronian curses, now!

Claire: Why can't they go to their own rooms or something! At least flush!

Illusion: If is yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.

Prowl: If what is brown?

Illusion: Ya don't wanna know.

 **106\. Tiny Twins, being bored is no excuse for writing things in paint all over the base.**

Illusion: Is this up cuz they wrote Galloway "Smells Farts" really big on the floor of the main room, then wrote it on his car?

Jolt: No, it's up because they wrote "Suck my Popsicle" on all of the berths in the medbay, then wrote on themselves and accidently slipped on all the paint, knocking themselves into stasis.

 **107\. Hotdogs are banned unless there is a cookout.**

Claire: This is for Ratchet. He really flipped out at the cookout.

Lennox: He stomped our best grill!

 **108\. Illusion, no frantic screaming when being dragged to the brig. Also, don't do it when Ratchet takes whatever you're eating away from you.**

Illusion: But ah don't like tha brig!

Ratchet: Then stop doing things that get you put in there, like licking everyone in the faceplates. If I hear you did that to one more bot, I will weld you to a wall in the brig.

 **109\. Everyone is allowed to watch the spring rains, but don't dance in it.**

Jolt: A few soldiers did this and got sick. Rhythm did this and tracked water and mud all over the base. She's still sitting in the brig with dried mud on her armor.

 **110\. No food fights!**

Claire: There was this huge food fight in the cafeteria when some guys got into an argument one day. It was so bad that they were fighting in the hallway too. Then the bots came rolling by and rolled through the food splattered all over the floor. Apparently lasagna is hard to get out of their circuits.

 **111\. Illusion, no using your ability to create illusions and appearing as a skeleton dragon. And no more running off with a group of humans dressed in skeleton costumes while claiming that you're riding against the fuckboys.**

Illusion: Well somebody's gotta slay 'em!

 **112\. Puppets are banned**

Claire: They look too much like dolls.

[All the bots in the room shriek.]

 **113\. No using live animals for pranks**

Elita: The Twins threw a live snake into the room while us femmes, the Predabots, Claire, and a few other ladies were having a girl's night. Rhythm blew it up with a fireball and she's been depressed ever since. She even made us have a funeral for it.

[Bumblebee runs in]

Bumblebee: Just… _so you know_ , there's a _wolf spider_ lost _some_ …where in the—

[Multiple screams are heard from down the hall and there is an explosion.]

Bumblebee: [Vents] Never mind… _someone found it!_

 **114\. No playing with the explosive spikes on Illusion's tail. They have to grow back once used, and it takes a long time. Besides, they cause a lot of damage.**

Ratchet: Stupid Twins. Both pairs thought this was a good idea. Blew their arms off.

Illusion: Yeah, about that. Ah know ya wanna teach 'em a lesson, but can ya please reattach their arms, now? It's been twelve hours.

Ratchet: Maybe…

 **115\. Illusion no longer likes tires.**

Illusion: Ah hate 'em. One of them Decepticons tried ta kill me by stuffin' a bunch down muh intake. Rhythm, 'Raj, 'n Ratchey had ta save my aft.

Rhythm: 'N she ain't been able ta stand tires since, thanks ta that fraggin' 'Con. Don't matter, though. Mirage and I got revenge.

 **116\. Rhythm, stop drinking Sunstreaker's wax and paint, and stop leaving the chewed up empty cans everywhere.**

Rhythm: Maybe if y'all give me some food ah wouldn't have to!

Jazz: Ya eat fer most of tha day!

Rhythm: What ya tryna say!?

 **117\. Humans, no eating food off the floor.**

Epps: But what about the—

Ratchet: No! There are no rules that justify eating a scoop of pudding off the floor!

Epps: But that was good ass pudding! I didn't want it to go to waste!

 **118\. No rock climbing unless it is for an drill.**

Claire: Stupid Miles. He was rock climbing by himself and almost died. Luckily Optimus was going for a drive and saw him.

Optimus: Actually I heard him and followed the sound. He was screaming.

Ratchet: I'm sure he was. He said he was hanging upside down, so—

Optimus: He claims he wasn't really in any pain. There was a lizard sitting beside him and he was afraid of it.

Claire: So that's why he was screaming?

Optimus: Yes it was.

 **119\. Illusion, no more threatening to rape Galloway on the face, or rip his limbs off, or put him in a meat grinder. Please, just try to avoid threatening him.**

Chromia: You told him you would rape him in the face?

Illusion: Yeah, it sounds wrong, I know. He just pissed me off and I yelled it.

Sideswipe: You've said it to him eight times, all at different meetings.

Illusion: Really? Oops.

 **120\. The Twins and Mirage cannot go up stairs.**

Jolt: We were on a mission in Mexico at ancient temple, and we had to go up stairs. These were giant stairs too, almost Cybertronian sized. Everyone laughed when the three of them couldn't get up the stairs. Sideswipe was afraid to go up, Mirage wasn't sure how to angle his pedes since they're so uniquely shaped, and Sunstreaker tried but fell.

Rhythm: Ah didn't see how it was so hard for them. They did say they never really had to go up stairs before.

Jolt: We had a lot of elevators and ramps on Cybertron.

 **121\. The bots condensate, which is their form of sweating. Don't freak out when it's hot and you touch one of them and your hand is wet.**

Sideswipe: We were on a mission in Nigeria, and there was so much condensation on me that it was dripping everywhere. One of the soldiers put her hand on me, then pulled away and yelled "What the fuck!?". Ratchet had to explain to all the humans why we were all dripping wet like someone had dumped water on us.

Sunstreaker: I don't see what the big deal is. We get overheated too.

Sideswipe: Frag, they didn't know.

 **122\. The Predabots enjoy being used as pillows.**

Jolt: They honestly don't care who sits in them. Illusion will even let Galloway sit on her, though he only did it once. He had to walk to a meeting because she ate his car again, and she let him sit on her talons and catch his breath. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to lay on the Predacons. It's movie night and they've volunteered to be the couches.

 **123\. Sideswipe, watch where you are skating.**

Rhythm: Yeah, or you'll roll right into muh ass again.

Sideswipe: We agreed not to talk about that.

Rhythm: So we aren't going on mention how you almost took my tail off, then got mad because I sat on you?

Sideswipe: You sat on me for three hours and sang about neck muscles.

Rhythm: Oh, I love my neck muscles song! [Starts singing] Move ya head ta left, now move it to tha right. Work them neck muscles day and night! If you got a neck, then ya got neck muscles! So—

Jazz: [Pokes helm in] Is that tha neck muscles song! I love that song!

 **124\. Just because most of the soldiers or Autobots at base are off on a mission does not give the few humans living in the Autobot's section the right to walk around naked. And no sitting on the Predabots while naked, either!**

Sideswipe: More than half of the soldiers at base were gone, along with half of us Autobots. So, a few soldiers decided this was a good idea. We came back to find half of them standing around naked, and some were sitting on the Predabots watching a movie. Mirage and Jazz were so pissed. Mirage was yelling at everyone, then they took the Predabots to the wash racks and practically washed their paint off. Mirage was mad enough to go to Lennox about it, but Illusion tackled him and held him down before he could. She didn't want her friends to get in trouble.

Mirage: [Seething in the corner] Some friends they are…

 **125\. Autobots, please try to refrain from using road rage.**

Illusion: Ratchet has this so bad. He got mad at someone who was on their phone swerving and driving real slow in front of 'em, so he rear ended 'em, then took off. He curses some folks out so bad it would hurt Megatron's feelings.

 **126\. This is probably a rule that will be broken the most, because everyone at base is ridiculous. Please try to refrain from asking stupid questions and being…well…stupid.**

Illusion: Rhythm shot me with a fireball during training, and my ass caught on fire. Sideswipe gon roll up to me 'n holla bout some: "Illusion, I think something's on fire. Should we tell someone or look for it? Primus, it's getting hot. Can I lean on you? Thanks." So he leaned on me and didn't realize ah was on fire until his arm caught on fire.

Sideswipe: [Laying in Illusion's back] Real funny. Why don't we talk about someone else, like Ironhide? These humans were talking about marriage and he said: "Who's getting hitched!? Happy birthday!"

Illusion: Or when Ratchet said pay attention and also observe

Sideswipe: Or Lennox freaking out about a government document while on the phone with Galloway. He yelled: "Oh no, you have to see this!", then shoved the paper against the phone. Or when you told Claire to zip her jacket like velcro. Or you saying: "Who got shot!? Stop drop and roll!" [Starts laughing]. Or—

Illusion: Haha! Hahaha! You so fraggin' funny, ya got jokes now! Stop that 'fore ah eat yo legs.

Sideswipe: [Stops laughing, but snickers to himself.]

 **127\. Mirage likes baby ducks. Tell him if you see some.**

Claire: Are you serious!?

Illusion: Yes, he loves 'em, girl! Ya see, we was chillin' by a river after a mission one day, 'n this duck 'n her ducklin's was a-swimmin'. Then a big ol' barge went by 'n tha waves separated them. Ah got real upset, so ah had 'Raj help me get 'em back to they momma. Ah think it made his day. He's loved 'em ever since. Hey, wanna see some pictures of him holdin' tha little ducklin's!? They quack and it melts his spark, so he look so cute!

Claire: Heck yeah I wanna see some pictures!

 **128\. Minibots, stay away from the Predabots' heads when they are eating.**

Rhythm: Ah almost ate Brains once.

Illusion: Sorry y'all. We just don't got optics in our muzzles. We might accidentally eat ya.

Rhythm: We wouldn't mean to though.

 **129\. Wheeljack, stop taking everything so literally.**

Claire: Lennox was talking to him and started choking. Wheeljack asked what he was choking and he yelled: "Organic shit!". Then Wheeljack started explaining that he couldn't choke on human waste. Illusion overheard the conversation and started talking about if he held it in, then he would throw it up. Then Ratchet got involved, and Sideswipe started talking about farts, and eventually they were discussing Cybertronian farts and puking on rollercoasters and stuff. Everyone got in a really heated discussion, and Prowl glitched and lay on the ground for six hours without anyone noticing. Every time Wheeljack takes something simple so seriously, something like this always happens. [Turns to Mirage, who is drinking energon next to her] Where is everybody, by the way?

Mirage: In the main room arguing about how breaking legs does not bring good luck on stage. Prowl has been out for three hours.

Claire: Here we go again.

 **130\. Humans, no putting on hoodies, then putting a mannequin head on your own head and pulling the hood over it to scare people. It is terrifying, and most of the bots are afraid of mannequins.**

Jolt: Some soldier did this and ran up to Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. They both screamed like girls then ran away. They then ran around the base scaring everyone, but they had to stop when Rhythm and Ironhide chased them and tried to kill them.

 **131\. Autobots, no playing in mud.**

Ratchet: It gets in the worse places and dries up. Then everyone comes crying to me about how uncomfortable it is. I'm not helping anyone else—

[Half of the Autobots come in covered in mud. Ratchet growls and they run away.]

* * *

 **I hate to end the chapter here, but I wanted to post something this week, and there was no way I could come up with enough to make 150 in time. Anyways, it's going to be a while before I update this again. I'm going to update my other story, then this one, then the other one and so on. I know it sounds crazy, but I might even start a new story if I get the chance. Ideas are always popping in my head and I'm always jotting then down. All I need is time. Hope you enjoyed! Have a good'n!**


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